I need you

I need your company so bad at this moment....I've been hurt and your the only person I can turn to.. you might know that I've been hurt, but I wont tell you who or how hurt I am.....I just want to hear your voice over and over again and i want you to tell me stories so that I can forget about my previous pain..

Somewhere in between your passion and love you lost me..

I trusted u with my heart, my dignity and my pride. I trusted u enough to let u know me more than a friend. I knew u wanted more, and u knew I wasn't ready. You didn't even fulfill my requirements but I loved u all the same. U loved me to and I know that for a fact. It was your obsession and love for me that made u do what u did. I know u thought that by doing what u did it would show how much passion and love u really felt for me. I thought u would protect me. U promised. You've scarred me for life. u knew i wasn't that type of girl. U forced me. I cant express how angry, afraid and betrayed I feel. I don't even know if I can ever look at another man the same.
I promised myself that you wouldnt do it.
I fooled myself into thinking that you were not like the others
I lived in doubt
all because I loved u.

Maybe its better if we seperate.....

I try to make it through my life,
in my way there's you,
I try to make it through these lies
and that's all I do.

Just don't deny it
don't try to fight this
and deal with it
that's just part it.

I try to make u see my side,
I always try to stay in line,
but your eyes see right through that's all they do.

I'm getting buried in this place,
I got no room you're in my face,
don't say anything just go away.

I'm changing everything coz u won't be there for me.

If you were dead or still alive,
I don't care
Just go and leave this all behind,
coz I swear I don't care.

Is it you...

I'm looking for a lover and a friend
somebody who can be there when I need someone to talk to
I'm looking for someone who won't pretend
somebody not afraid to say the way they feel about you
and I'm looking for someone who understands how i feel,
and I'm looking for someone who takes me there,wants to share
shows me he cares, thinking you're the one I've been waiting for
someone who can keep it real and who knows the way

I'm looking for someone to share my pain
someone who i can run to who will stay with me when it rains
someone who can cry with through the night
someone who i can trust whose heart is right

someone who i can take for granted
how much I care and appreciate, that I'm there
someone who listens,
and someone i can call who isn't afraid of life to share

Love in all its emotions..(for the men who have walked, talked and made an inmpact in my life)

When I say your name out of the blue its just me trying to tell you how much i need you. I wish you were not soo far from me.I love your silly worrying about me even when i tell you im fine. What abput the time you called me just to hear my voice and the other time you stayed on the fone with me while i was at the doctors. I need you to be in my life as a friend. Maybe you love me more that a friend and a little sister but i am genuinely sorry for I cannot love you anything more than a best friend and a big brother. When I told you to promise not to fall in love with me I heard you strain yourself to promise. I'm sorry if i broke your heart but i know that I wont ever be able to love you more than wat we now have..I just dont want us to change.
Sometimes when i get lonely and upset I remember you and your beautiful heart, i remember all the times you tell me "I will be there always" for wherever you are my conscience is with you. All the names you called me i know you wer true to them..My life feels very dead without your company. I hate the way you smoke, it hurts me to think that i could lose you sooner than im ready.

[I remember the time you told me you loved me. I really felt it seep through my heart. The animated roses, kisses and hugs u sent me over the net. I cried when you kinda proposed to me, your exact word were "I love you and i wish you could be my wife"...We both knew that we probably wont be together because we both run diffenernt lives although our hearts share the same love.. You want my love to make you a family and to fulfil your sexual needs and I know you will always love and care for me. But though you promise me eternal happiness and uncompromising love I'm sorry I cant be there with you forever to give you what you need. Its just just that I'm not ready to start a family when mine is still so broken. There are just so many errors i have to correct before I will be free to love you. And i dont want to make it a burden for you to leave your fsmily for me because I could never leave mine. Your comfort and advice is differnent to others, sometimes the more we talk the more I feel your lonliness and yearnings and I really want to be there for you. Youre special and I love you.]

*You were my role model for a while and then you made me loath you. You gave me all my happy, sad, painfull, terrorizing, annoying memories as I grew. I always wished you were home more often and had less fights with mum and more time with us. Every time you made a mistake i felt devestaed. You gave me the dumbest, weirdest, cutest nickname ever...When we were in a financial crises you always tried to hide it from us so we wouldnt have to feel it..Whenever you couldnt fulfil my needs I knew that deep down you hurt for failing me. I remember all the piggy backs and drives around towns. I hate the way you somehow ruined my chances of a better life and the way you dontt understand what I need and how I feel, well I guess its not all your job but it hurts that you have high expectations of me that i cant fulfil. I'm seeing you fade away and deteriorate slowly but you wont give me a clue of your condition..You taught me alot of skills that i wont ever forget, you taught me how to cook, how to do certain thinggs a certain way and i'm still learning how to be a pretty good mechanic..I love you and I hope you will last till I'm able to repay you with what you gave me..*

All I can feel is hate....

Don’t act like you can help me

Like you care soo much about me

Youre full of crap

How many times of my life time I believed in all those empty threats

Feigning your sickness as an excuse to get sympathy

You say god will help me if I ask

They tell me to be patient but patience has a fucking limit

Im not able to hold on to this frustration and hurt I feel

With the tears pouring down my face silently I pray to god to help me

My belief is fading and my heart is growing colder

I just want company of those I care for but it’s a bit hard when weve all separated

Evry morning is another day of rememberance for how I became this person

How all those memories ive tried to forget can bring me down

The truth has seeped through me and my grief is withheld in my heart

How much I hate this place

All I wanted was a few happy memories that will help me go on forever

Music is the only thing that helps me block out all your bickering

I hate feeling out of control

Sometimes contemplating suicide as a last resort

I hate your guts soo fucking much its killing me

I don’t want to feel this hate but you’ve brought it upon yourself

I just want you to act normal and stop telling about all my sins

And all the punishments I will face in the afterlife

I always thought it was your duty to protect me as I grew

Forbidding me to purse my dreams live a little

I hate the way you act soo religious like god listens to your evry prayer

I vent this hurt I feel when you kill the little light I have left in my heart

I FUCKING HATE YOU

I just want to scream this out

I just want to make you feel the same pain I felt when you disowned me

You swore you disowned me but you wont stay out of my life

You swore that you tried doing everything in your life for me but u lie

This hate is killing me

I cant believe I cut myself over you n your stupid comments

Now I hurt

The scars remind me that what you said was real

Every death hurts...

Every death hurts, when you were close to that person.
Every death makes you bring all the memories, every memory pierces u painfully, every memory begs never to be forgotten.
Every death brings soo much regret for what you have not done.
Every death makes you dislike God alittle more.
Every death is another reason for you to leave the world.
Every death is just another sob story for your companians.
Every death makes you think 'Why can't god jst stop picking on you for a change?'.
It hurts like a thosand punches all laid in the same spot especially when the people you love just died and you havnt even got over your healing....
And then when you go visit their graves you just cant take it anymore.....you die inside all over again.
you stop eating, stop caring about evrything around you and you reminisce and cry over the memories.
Its like a punishment when someone brings up a memory..you cant breathe its like you're being constricted.
you want to do something to help comfort the others around you but you dont know what to do.
They're gone forever but you just cant believe its true...but then every time you call their number there's no answer, evrytime you walk into their room theres none of their stuff left except for their picture proped up on the wall as a reminder that they're really gone.
you join to partake in cleaning up their stuff....you come across bits and pieces and you breakdown...once,twice its takes you ages to clean up.
you want to make time go back so you could say one proper goodbye.. but its too late.
Every death gets you realising that your time is unknown.