When I say your name out of the blue its just me trying to tell you how much i need you. I wish you were not soo far from me.I love your silly worrying about me even when i tell you im fine. What abput the time you called me just to hear my voice and the other time you stayed on the fone with me while i was at the doctors. I need you to be in my life as a friend. Maybe you love me more that a friend and a little sister but i am genuinely sorry for I cannot love you anything more than a best friend and a big brother. When I told you to promise not to fall in love with me I heard you strain yourself to promise. I'm sorry if i broke your heart but i know that I wont ever be able to love you more than wat we now have..I just dont want us to change.
Sometimes when i get lonely and upset I remember you and your beautiful heart, i remember all the times you tell me "I will be there always" for wherever you are my conscience is with you. All the names you called me i know you wer true to them..My life feels very dead without your company. I hate the way you smoke, it hurts me to think that i could lose you sooner than im ready.
[I remember the time you told me you loved me. I really felt it seep through my heart. The animated roses, kisses and hugs u sent me over the net. I cried when you kinda proposed to me, your exact word were "I love you and i wish you could be my wife"...We both knew that we probably wont be together because we both run diffenernt lives although our hearts share the same love.. You want my love to make you a family and to fulfil your sexual needs and I know you will always love and care for me. But though you promise me eternal happiness and uncompromising love I'm sorry I cant be there with you forever to give you what you need. Its just just that I'm not ready to start a family when mine is still so broken. There are just so many errors i have to correct before I will be free to love you. And i dont want to make it a burden for you to leave your fsmily for me because I could never leave mine. Your comfort and advice is differnent to others, sometimes the more we talk the more I feel your lonliness and yearnings and I really want to be there for you. Youre special and I love you.]
*You were my role model for a while and then you made me loath you. You gave me all my happy, sad, painfull, terrorizing, annoying memories as I grew. I always wished you were home more often and had less fights with mum and more time with us. Every time you made a mistake i felt devestaed. You gave me the dumbest, weirdest, cutest nickname ever...When we were in a financial crises you always tried to hide it from us so we wouldnt have to feel it..Whenever you couldnt fulfil my needs I knew that deep down you hurt for failing me. I remember all the piggy backs and drives around towns. I hate the way you somehow ruined my chances of a better life and the way you dontt understand what I need and how I feel, well I guess its not all your job but it hurts that you have high expectations of me that i cant fulfil. I'm seeing you fade away and deteriorate slowly but you wont give me a clue of your condition..You taught me alot of skills that i wont ever forget, you taught me how to cook, how to do certain thinggs a certain way and i'm still learning how to be a pretty good mechanic..I love you and I hope you will last till I'm able to repay you with what you gave me..*